mistake

i had an unsettling dream last night. or maybe not unsettling–what should i call it? wistful? longing? i dreamed that i married the wrong man.

in my dream i am in a house that's brightly painted–pink, or purple, maybe, with white trim. there's a pretty yard in the back, and my family is gathered there. my aunt and my cousin david are standing on the back deck and joking about a wooden shed tacked onto the deck that one of my other cousins has been hiding in or something. the air is festive, and i realize that it's my wedding party, and that that is what we're all waiting for.

i go into the back of the house with the expectation that it's time for me to get ready. i feel a sort of excitement, because this is my wedding day, and surely it should be the happiest day of my life! as i walk through the house, i feel that something is unsettling me, but i don't know what it is, and anyway, the unsettled feeling is more than compensated by the thought that i'm about to get married.

so i walk through the dining room, and right before the front living room there are two sets of spiral staircases built into the wall to my right–they are encased in turrets that run through the center of the house straight up to the roof. i climb the winding stairs and arrive in a room that is bare, with wooden floors, pink or purple painted walls, and is an octagonal shape with windows on each wall. the sun coming in the windows is so bright that i can't see what's out them–rather, the bright, white light is coming in and surrounding me in a semi-circle, blinding me–not badly or uncomfortably, just enough so that all the light is on me, illuminating my skin, my wedding dress.

i see it suddenly, lying across a chair by one of the windows and i eagerly pick it up. it's a strapless gown with silver scalloping across the top of the bodice. not quite what i'd choose for myself, but i'm pleased with it, as if perhaps someone else chose it for me but i'll wear it because it's nice. i put it on and look at myself in the mirror and for a moment, i'm very happy.

but it's only then, when i put on the dress and look at myself that i stop and realize that i don't know who the groom is. or–i can't remember who he is. i think wildly, what on earth am i doing? but i know that i must have agreed to this, and this is what i'm supposed to be doing, and this will make my family happy.

so i'm happy to do it, for a moment, because everyone else will be so pleased. and maybe he's really wonderful!, i think. i stand in that room in my bright wedding gown and muse on what he could possibly be like, but after a moment's elation my hopes feel shallow. it doesn't matter what he's like, because i just don't love him. i know who i love and right now all i want is to see his face.

i'm so overcome by this emotion that i run out of the room and dash back down those winding stairs, and run through the front room into the back, and there he is, standing in the dining room, in his tux, looking radiant. there's a white flower in his button hole–a rose, or a carnation. i guess he's either dressed as a guest, or maybe he's part of the wedding. but it doesn't matter. he's not the man i'm set to marry. and he looks at me with anguish, and i look back at him, but neither of us speaks. what can we say? this day is already planned by others, and we don't know how to change it.

i'm so disappointed that i don't know how to keep standing. people are walking back and forth between us, since we're standing in the middle of the dining room, so there's no moment to be alone and explain ourselves. and anyway, i don't know what to explain because i feel that i've pushed this on myself. how could i ever have thought i could bear to marry someone whom i didn't love? i try to recall all of the great reasons that i might have done this, but whatever they were, they won't come to me.

so i stand helplessly in my wedding dress and we look at each other sadly, and i think my heart will break.

i wake myself up before i can bear to watch anymore.

what are these dreams? what's going on with me?