a french journey

last night i dreamed i was in paris. france dreams are usually happy ones for me, except this one evoked in me a confusing mix of emotions. i was happy, and yet dissatisfied.

in my dream i was planning a trip to paris with my friend liz (which makes sense, as in real life we went to paris together while we were abroad in college), but at the last minute she had to cancel and told me to go on without her. i was ok with that because, even though i was going alone, i felt i was going to meet the person with whom i would walk forever after that. i mean, i know that's dramatic, and i didn't actually say that in the dream, but you know how you get a feeling?

so liz gives me the name and directions to the hotel at which i'm supposed to stay, and i feel confident that i'll remember it. i have vague images of a plane, the airport, being in another hotel, not the final destination–but some in-between world of yellow wallpaper and golden sunlight illuminating through gauzy curtains, and flowers on the windowsill. it's pleasant, and i'm happy. i know i am only waiting to meet this person, and i don't mind waiting here in this beautiful room until it's time to go find him.

then it is time, and i head out of the hotel and start walking down the streets of paris. i'm supposed to be going somewhere near the champs élysées, but now i can't remember the hotel, or how to get there, or even where i am. i'm not unhappy, because it's paris, after all, and i'm going to meet that person, but now my way is confused and there aren't any people walking down the streets to stop and ask for help. it's cold, and fall, and not an unbeautiful day, but it's awfully lonely.

i take out my phone and look at it, and the battery is almost dead, and i feel discouraged that i can't google map myself and figure out where i am, or how to get to where i need to be. but i'm not totally discouraged. i feel a sense of mild adventure mixed with my anxiety–this is the journey, after all, to get somewhere and to someone important. i don't mind doing what it takes.

strange how themes repeat. or maybe not strange. i keep coming back to this search in so many different dreams; especially the one that i think of often, that i had back as a sophomore in college, and is still so, so vivid and moving.