mistake

i had an unsettling dream last night. or maybe not unsettling–what should i call it? wistful? longing? i dreamed that i married the wrong man.

in my dream i am in a house that's brightly painted–pink, or purple, maybe, with white trim. there's a pretty yard in the back, and my family is gathered there. my aunt and my cousin david are standing on the back deck and joking about a wooden shed tacked onto the deck that one of my other cousins has been hiding in or something. the air is festive, and i realize that it's my wedding party, and that that is what we're all waiting for.

i go into the back of the house with the expectation that it's time for me to get ready. i feel a sort of excitement, because this is my wedding day, and surely it should be the happiest day of my life! as i walk through the house, i feel that something is unsettling me, but i don't know what it is, and anyway, the unsettled feeling is more than compensated by the thought that i'm about to get married.

so i walk through the dining room, and right before the front living room there are two sets of spiral staircases built into the wall to my right–they are encased in turrets that run through the center of the house straight up to the roof. i climb the winding stairs and arrive in a room that is bare, with wooden floors, pink or purple painted walls, and is an octagonal shape with windows on each wall. the sun coming in the windows is so bright that i can't see what's out them–rather, the bright, white light is coming in and surrounding me in a semi-circle, blinding me–not badly or uncomfortably, just enough so that all the light is on me, illuminating my skin, my wedding dress.

i see it suddenly, lying across a chair by one of the windows and i eagerly pick it up. it's a strapless gown with silver scalloping across the top of the bodice. not quite what i'd choose for myself, but i'm pleased with it, as if perhaps someone else chose it for me but i'll wear it because it's nice. i put it on and look at myself in the mirror and for a moment, i'm very happy.

but it's only then, when i put on the dress and look at myself that i stop and realize that i don't know who the groom is. or–i can't remember who he is. i think wildly, what on earth am i doing? but i know that i must have agreed to this, and this is what i'm supposed to be doing, and this will make my family happy.

so i'm happy to do it, for a moment, because everyone else will be so pleased. and maybe he's really wonderful!, i think. i stand in that room in my bright wedding gown and muse on what he could possibly be like, but after a moment's elation my hopes feel shallow. it doesn't matter what he's like, because i just don't love him. i know who i love and right now all i want is to see his face.

i'm so overcome by this emotion that i run out of the room and dash back down those winding stairs, and run through the front room into the back, and there he is, standing in the dining room, in his tux, looking radiant. there's a white flower in his button hole–a rose, or a carnation. i guess he's either dressed as a guest, or maybe he's part of the wedding. but it doesn't matter. he's not the man i'm set to marry. and he looks at me with anguish, and i look back at him, but neither of us speaks. what can we say? this day is already planned by others, and we don't know how to change it.

i'm so disappointed that i don't know how to keep standing. people are walking back and forth between us, since we're standing in the middle of the dining room, so there's no moment to be alone and explain ourselves. and anyway, i don't know what to explain because i feel that i've pushed this on myself. how could i ever have thought i could bear to marry someone whom i didn't love? i try to recall all of the great reasons that i might have done this, but whatever they were, they won't come to me.

so i stand helplessly in my wedding dress and we look at each other sadly, and i think my heart will break.

i wake myself up before i can bear to watch anymore.

what are these dreams? what's going on with me?

the savvy grouse

just found this blog which reviews events/culture in pennsylvania...pretty fun: http://www.savvygrouse.com/2009/11/16/falldatenightingettysburg/

i always love to hear a visitor's viewpoint about gburg! i had to laugh in reading about the ghost tours...yes, we do have quite a lot of those. but they shouldn't all take 1 hour 45 minutes...maybe they got an 'extended' tour because it was so close to halloween?

winter, and a train ride through germany

another strange dream. a bit shorter than the last i recorded, since it only took place over two "scenes" that i can recall, but it was still very vivid. it was another traveling dream.

this time, i am traveling to germany for a semester abroad, or a vacation, perhaps. at any rate, i don't know where my starting point was, but wherever it is, i am taking a train to get to germany. it's winter, or at least, the train is speeding through lofty, snow-covered mountains–we speed past tall, tall bare trees, and i notice that it isn't a heavy snow, but enough to cover the ground in speckly white. the train doesn't feel like a modern amtrak or something–it is perhaps an old steam engine. or maybe i assume that everything in europe is old?

the winter scene is so calm and lovely, and it's relaxing to look out the window and watch the trees whipping past. but then i realize that we're driving quite recklessly, and suddenly my view changes–i'm on top of the train, or at the front, maybe. at any rate, i can suddenly see the track ahead of me–a new, but wooden track–and we don't seem to stay gripped to the rails the whole time. up and down, up and down we race over the snow, scaling great heights and then quickly whooshing down into the valleys, so quickly that i become slightly nervous that we'll fly off the track. but i'm not really nervous–it's so hard to be, when the scenery is so beautiful. finally, we seem to make it safely to the station, and then i find myself in a train station clothing shop, sort of like the ones at the airport (since they don't really have such things at most train stations), and i'm trying to use my cell phone when i realize that it won't work outside of america, and i am totally put out.

what is love?

ok it's not like i'm a total geek. well, ok. to be fair–yes, i am. but i was surfing the web, looking up nintendo references, like people do, and found this great quote describing a video game called "Dragon Warrior," from a website that clearly a lot of care and dedication went into making:

"what is love? perhaps love is like being lost in a dark cave. you wander around in the empty black with a limited supply of torches, hoping to find something pure. but you don't. instead, you only find ghosts and monsters. and then finally you find a brilliant light, one that fills the cave with a radiance that outshines your torch by at least twentyfold. you walk towards it, entranced by its beauty. unfortunately for you, it's a dragon. but once you kill it, you meet this totally hot chick who is immediately impressed with you. also, her dad is like a king or something and he's super rich. that's what love is like. well, that's what Dragon Warrior is like, and they're basically the same thing."

i don't know the game–but i think i know a little more about love now.

a french journey

last night i dreamed i was in paris. france dreams are usually happy ones for me, except this one evoked in me a confusing mix of emotions. i was happy, and yet dissatisfied.

in my dream i was planning a trip to paris with my friend liz (which makes sense, as in real life we went to paris together while we were abroad in college), but at the last minute she had to cancel and told me to go on without her. i was ok with that because, even though i was going alone, i felt i was going to meet the person with whom i would walk forever after that. i mean, i know that's dramatic, and i didn't actually say that in the dream, but you know how you get a feeling?

so liz gives me the name and directions to the hotel at which i'm supposed to stay, and i feel confident that i'll remember it. i have vague images of a plane, the airport, being in another hotel, not the final destination–but some in-between world of yellow wallpaper and golden sunlight illuminating through gauzy curtains, and flowers on the windowsill. it's pleasant, and i'm happy. i know i am only waiting to meet this person, and i don't mind waiting here in this beautiful room until it's time to go find him.

then it is time, and i head out of the hotel and start walking down the streets of paris. i'm supposed to be going somewhere near the champs élysées, but now i can't remember the hotel, or how to get there, or even where i am. i'm not unhappy, because it's paris, after all, and i'm going to meet that person, but now my way is confused and there aren't any people walking down the streets to stop and ask for help. it's cold, and fall, and not an unbeautiful day, but it's awfully lonely.

i take out my phone and look at it, and the battery is almost dead, and i feel discouraged that i can't google map myself and figure out where i am, or how to get to where i need to be. but i'm not totally discouraged. i feel a sense of mild adventure mixed with my anxiety–this is the journey, after all, to get somewhere and to someone important. i don't mind doing what it takes.

strange how themes repeat. or maybe not strange. i keep coming back to this search in so many different dreams; especially the one that i think of often, that i had back as a sophomore in college, and is still so, so vivid and moving.